Recently I received a beautiful 100 year old ruby ring, which was in my family, as a gift. While visiting family in another state over the holidays the ring was stolen. Because one of my cousins was known to have a troubled life, alcohol being a major problem for him, I believe he took the ring to get money for it. He knew how important this ring was to me and I can’t believe he would do this to me.

I just can’t figure out why this happened to me, I have been in tears and sick ever since the incident. I can’t understand why this happened to me. The ring has been in the family so long and I had it one week and lost it. Any advice?

- Saddened Sara

A: Dear Saddened Sara,

Often when we hold an item in high regard, like your ring, losing it is devastating. It really isn’t about how long you had the ring; it’s more about how you feel not continuing to have it.

Before you had the ring you never put any regard to the ring therefore you were not hurt not having it.

When you ask the question, why did this happen to you? It didn’t really happen to you, it happened to the ring. When someone takes something that belongs to another person, often they are not thinking I’ll take this to hurt the person but what they can get by having the object. Stealing from another person is wrong, even the bible says so in the 10 Commandments. The person, whether it was your cousin or not, really did it to themselves. After all, the judgment of character is given to the person who is the thief not the person who had the item taken.

Those that have problems in alcohol, drugs or gambling, for example, and don’t have the money to support their addiction often turn to stealing to support it.

So you really didn’t lose the ring; it was stolen. Unfortunately these things happen and often don’t get returned. Step out of victim mode my dear and step into learning. Life is all about learning and we cannot not learn. What positive learning can you get from this situation that will help you grow as a person in strength and wisdom?

I’m a sixteen year old girl and I’ve just started dating. During my last date I ended up crying because my date started to make advances I wasn’t prepared for.

We were in the park and he asked me if he could massage my shoulders. At first I said no but agreed since I love having my shoulders massaged. He then started massaging my head so I put my head on his lap. Within minutes he started making the advances and I starting crying so he stopped.

I just met this guy and this upset me greatly to have him do this. Now I’m scared to go out on a date with a new guy. How do I know who is a creep and who is not?

- Baffled Becky

A: Dear Baffled Becky,

The dating world can be scary. When you meet a guy for the first time, if you do not want to send him the message it is okay to touch, get to know each other before getting physical.

Massaging and laying your head in on his lap is not a behavior that states hands-off to anyone. If you don’t want the next guy to think it is okay to touch you, then choose appropriate behavior to let him know what is acceptable by you and what is not.

You are one lucky young lady that this guy wasn’t a creep and abided your wishes and stopped.

I’m a coach myself and recently have been struggling with raising my fees for my coaching service. At present I’ve been charging less than the average coach and working with people who may react negatively to the price increase. I also worry about the reaction of new possible clients after I mention my fees.

How do I approach this sticky subject with my old clients?
Is there something I can do to feel comfortable with changing my price for my coaching service?

- Cowardly Coach

A: Dear Cowardly Coach,

First I must say there is nothing cowardly about asking for help. It is actually a sign of bravery. The coward I never hear from.

Your situation is a common challenge for many coaches when it is time to raise their fees. Coaching services, for most, is considered a commodity and not a necessity. However, the benefits often become a necessity to grow as a person both personally and professionally.

Keeping this in mind, a new client or old client always has a choice in whether they perceive your service to have enough value to pay your price.

In order for you to feel comfortable in approaching old or new clients with your price you must know the value yourself. If you have ever been coached yourself it shouldn’t be too hard to know what the value of coaching has done for you. Relate the benefits you received to what your client will receive, and this will help you feel more comfortable.

If you have not been coached, the solution is for you to get some coaching for yourself and the problem will be solved. We all get stuck at times even when we are a coach. All great coaches have their own coach.

When is it time to Coach Yourself…Be Coached…Coach Others?

Coach Yourself:

• Improve your self-talk to boost your performance

• Frequently give yourself encouragement

• Check with yourself for congruency before making any important decision.

• Focus on what you want…rather than what you don’t want

Be Coached:

• If…you often struggle with feelings of self-doubt or self-confidence

• If…you have a nagging feeling that something is missing

• If… you don’t know what is blocking you from achieving your goals

• If…you keep repeating unwanted patterns even though you know better

• If…your performance isn’t where you want it to be

Coach Others:

• Motivating others to achieve higher standards of achievement

• Increase on the job effectiveness to improve the bottom-line

• Replace ineffective strategies with empowering strategies

• Improve individual, group or team performance

• Help others overcome their barriers for a rewarding career

“My coach has helped me to understand that what I am capable of doing today relates to how I feel about what has happened in my past. She has helped me resolve these issues so that today I have the power, and will, to be anything I want to be.” – L. Lowthers Business Counsellor & Mother

The first step to creating the life you want is to determine it with no limitations. What would you do or have if there were no limitations on what you can achieve?

Secondly, take the time to dream what it is you really want. You know what matters to you more than anything else. Define your dream to be more specific with the life you want.

As you let your mind focus on the life you want, become fully associated to having it. As if you already have it. See what you would see, hear what you would hear and feel what you would feel. Then make a list or create a vision board of the life you want. In the center of the vision board or within the list, put yourself within the pictures or list. This step is important because your mind needs to know you haven’t achieved it yet. Seeing yourself (dissociated) having or doing what you want adds motivation to achieve it.

Last, it’s time to make it happen. Even if you are not able to create the life you want right now, you can take clear, definite and effective actions today to move your life in the direction of the life you want to live.

Creating the life you want starts with taking the first step. Whether you know it or not, you are creating your own life by your thoughts. Intentionally changing these thoughts to focus on what is important to you will set in place the steps to achieve it.

“Your life is a continuing manifestation of your most firmly held intentions.”
- Ralph Marston

You get what you focus on…focus on what you want and you will be Creating The Life You Want!

The 3 simple steps are:
Determine It, Dream It, And Make It Happen!

A couple of months ago I wrote to you about a challenging relationship coming to an end, and you helped me by pointing out that relationships based on one person helping the other wasn’t enough to sustain a lasting relationship.

You also suggested I ask myself, before starting a new relationship, what value does this person bring into my life besides me having a good feeling helping them?

I wanted to share with you, and your readers, the value of this simple advice and how not having this negative person in my life anymore has impacted my life immediately.

Wow, Wow, Wow…although my business was good, we tripled our monthly income two months in a row now. It’s hard to believe how much energy I put into helping this person drained my energy and focus to do better in my own life.

If one negative person leaving my life helped this much; I wonder what would happen if I removed them all?

Is there a simple check list to follow to remove negative people from our lives?
-Helping Helen Renewed

A: Dear Helping Helen Renewed,

Congratulations on your new success, both in business and for wanting to help others by what you learned. Your helping nature shines through and as long as you follow the simple check list below these negative people will leave your life just as quickly as your new success came into your life.

Removing Negative People Check List:

* Recognize The Negative Person: Do you feel bad or drained in the company of this person? Make a list of these people.

* Set Boundaries To Eliminate Time Vampires: Ask these simple questions in both areas of your life. If the answer is none, you are giving away your time to a negative person.

Business – Where is the profit in this?
Personal – Where is the pleasure in this?

* Make A Values List: Ask yourself, what is important to you about your relationships? The words you list are your values and determine if this person brings value into your life. Rank your values in order of importance. Highlight your top 3 and use these values as a ‘must have’ check list in all relationships.

* End The Conversation: When ever the conversation turns negative, end it by telling the person your have to go. Immediately leave the room, the building or hang up the telephone.

Negative people feed their fire on what they are getting from you. If you stop feeding the fire, they will simply go away.

The big question that always arises when the topic of removing negative people from your life is: What if they are family? What if they are your mother, father, child, spouse etc.?

Family can be the most negative people on your list. Since there is a good chance there is some positive pleasure you receive from them or the question wouldn’t be asked, set the boundaries around the amount of time you spend with them. Limit visits and telephone calls within a comfortable time frame for you.

If Yah but comes to mind. Ask yourself this question: How important is it to you to enrich your life both personally and professionally?

“The biggest gift towards your future is to be generous towards your present….events and people in our lives don’t control our lives…our decisions do.”

I recently graduated from college and I know I am suppose to get a job, have a family, live healthily, get married and so forth. But, I guess I want my life to mean that at the end of my life people will say I was a beautiful spirit. I have doubts about having a family, a job etc. but I don’t want to be stuck and not have those things.

I know parents raise their kids so they can contribute to the next generation, live on after them and be self sufficient so they get on in the world. But now it is my responsibility to get on in the world and I don’t like that. The alternative is not what I want, and it just sucks that I have to choose to live, but it’s the right choice to make, even if I become a complete mess up.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can make me responsible and do what I am suppose to do?
- Resistant Rachelle

A: Dear Resistant Rachelle,

There is no written rule that says you have to get married and have children. Rather than trying to force these types of things, focus on the immediate of what you want to accomplish in your life with the knowledge you have now. This is enough for you right now. As you grow older, what you want will change and you can decide if a family is what you want at that time. Having a family is not for everyone so there is no need to commit to something like that at this point in your life. Doing so is creating a lot of fear in your present and it is no wonder you are resisting getting on in the world.

Living your life on what other ‘may’ say about you is really not a good motivator to get into life. You can be the best person on this planet and others may not say what you would like for them to say. Often it is really not even in their thoughts. Are you going through life thinking ‘what a beautiful spirit’ someone is, or are you going through life avoiding what others may or may not say? Other people may change their opinion of you from moment to moment, that is life and you have no control over what others think.

Suggestion: Start each day by considering what you can do so you think of yourself as a beautiful spirit. Then do that. At the end of your life you truly will be the beautiful spirit you want to be whether others think it or not. After all, perception is different in each person’s reality.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. The doctor informed me how my choices have contributed to my health problems. He said this type of diabetes could be reversed by changing my behaviors. With the knowledge from my doctor, and the guidance of a good nutritionist, I have made significant improvements.

I lived a very carefree life without much concern for my well-being. With this recent diagnosis I’m making a big effort to change my lifestyle for the better and ultimately my health.

Although my health is improving, I am struggling with the behavior of several of my friends. Since making these lifestyle changes, needless to say I haven’t been consuming alcohol or eating junk food, and the soda had to go.

Some of my friends are very supportive, but there are a few that treat me like I have a contagious disease. They say hurtful things like you are not fun anymore; you might as well give up on life if you can’t party with us, and the name calling is endless. I never knew they had such a poor view on how I looked until I dropped 20 pounds.

When I told them how I felt about how they are treating me, they just got more abusive and said I now turning into a wimp. How do I make them understand their behavior is mean-spirited?
- Transitioning Tina

A: Dear Transitioning Tina,

First I want to congratulate you for taking your diagnosis seriously and making the effort to change your lifestyle to improve your health.

Second, you are only responsible for your own behaviors and not those of your friends. According to your doctor, your past behaviors have lead you to Type 2 Diabetes.

Taking the steps to turn this around in your life is far from being a wimp. It takes strong discipline to go from the carefree party girl to a health conscious responsible woman. Your efforts are something to be celebrated not condemned.

Learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate our differences is one of the most important keys to creating healthy, growing, and lasting relationships.

Your supportive friends will grow with you. Celebrate them and forget the ones who do not treat you right.

Over several months a friend of mine increasing got upset with me for the choices I made to improve my life. These choices included moving to another region and the dynamics of the relationship would change. I tried to explain to her the importance of my decisions, but her displeasure with me became more abusive from snarky comments to down right insults.

She sent me an email letter pointing out all the things that bothered her about me. Things like me not knowing when to stop helping her with everything and just be her friend.

Since the relationship was formed on me helping her I replied to the email with my thoughts and feelings on the subject and took responsibility for not setting up proper boundaries in the beginning of the relationship. She completely ignored my thoughts and feelings and replied with more blaming for the relationship going wrong.

Although I wasn’t happy with the situation, I wanted to give the relationship time to heal by setting up some boundaries where I would clearly know when she wanted me to help her or just be a friend. Meaning when to use my knowledge and years of business experience or just listen and chat to her in casual conversation.

She expressed her displeasure once again but said she would email me once a week. When I would receive her email from her sharing with me all that she was doing and accomplishing, I would reply immediately praising her and sharing words of encouragement. I would then share with her what I was doing in my life.

The next week I would receive another email with her accomplishments, but never commenting on what I was doing or how I was. Again I would cheer her on, but after a couple of weeks I never heard from her again.

Not sure what else I could have done to save the relationship, do you have any insight to where I went wrong?
-Helping Helen

A: Dear Helping Helen,

Power and control are two of the most substantial issues in any relationship. The more challenge in the relationship, the more these power and control issues will come to the surface. The healthier the relationship the less power and control issues will happen.

When you changed the dynamics in which the relationship was formed, the power and control issue surfaced within your friend. She was not happy with the changes since she no longer had control of you. And perhaps felt a loss of power to make the relationship the way she wanted it.

Helping others is an admirable quality you already have, setting up your own boundaries of when it is appropriate to help, and how much, will help you with new relationships in the future. We cannot change the past, but we can change our behaviors for future success.

Relationships that are based on one person helping the other and not on an equal respect for what each person brings to the relationship, when the helping stops so does the friendship.

Besides feeling good about helping another person, ask yourself what value does this person bring into my life? What does this person give me to add quality of my life? Ask yourself these questions before starting a new relationship. If your answer is only a feel good for helping another person, you will find it is not enough to sustain a lasting relationship with this person.

Taking what you learned from any relationship will give you the opportunity to grow as an individual and develop a healthy balance in all your relationships.

This week was my graduation and I wanted both my parents to attend in the celebration. I wanted to give everyone the proper attention so they would have a good time and be happy for coming.

Because my parents divorced years ago, I had to divide my time on my graduation celebrations. When I was with one parent, the other would not be having a good time. I know the time has past, but the next celebration when my parents are both present may be my wedding and I want both of them to be happy.

What can I do the next time to assure their happiness?
- Challenged Candice

A: Dear Challenged Candice,

The biggest issue you are facing is taking responsibility for your parents’ happiness. The celebration was for you and it was not up to you to provide continuous attention to either parent, nor for you to ‘make’ them happy.

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness or good time when attending any event. Perhaps it is time to graduate from worrying about your parents needs being met and focus on creating a life which supports your own happiness.

“There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will.” – Epictetus

My challenge always comes down to fitting in with my peers. Because academically I exceed the standards and have gained my Ph.D. long before the normal time frame, my friends always make jokes about me being the ‘brain child’ and don’t comprehend any of my discussions.

I long for intellectual conversations. Should I find new friends or should I just not discuss my interests with my friends and only talk about what they enjoy?
- Brainy Brenda

A: Dear Brainy Brenda

A peer is a person who is of equal standing with another in a group.
Rather than try to “dumb yourself down” with your friends, find a special interest group where you can interact with other people who really are of equal standing. Explore what you enjoy with your current friends such as fun things you do together where intellect is not part of the requirement.

Finding the balance between fulfilling your need for intellectual conversations and just having fun activities will make you a much happier ‘Brainy Brenda’.